Musings of an Aging Nobody

I suppose the story could have gone something like this:

Bailiff:  State your name please.

Curtis Christiansen.

Bailiff:  Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

I Do.

Prosecutor:  Mr. Christiansen is it true you like to garden?

Yes that is true.

Prosecutor:  And is it also true that in the past you have referred to animals in your gardens as “the enemy?”

Yes I have.

Prosecutor:  And is it also true that in the past you have admitted that those animals in your gardens have made you angry, “Pissed” I believe was how you put it?

Yes that Is true.

Prosecutor:  Mr. Christiansen is this your garden glove?

I am not sure.

Prosecutor:  Would you mind trying on this glove for the court please, to be sure?

Maybe…if it doesn’t fit do you acquit?

Prosecutor:  Nice try Mr. Christiansen but that never works!  And can you tell me what you found in your gardens  when you came home from work on the Tuesday of the incident in question?

Yes sir, most of our Beefsteak, Roma, and Big Boy tomatoes were gone, and all of our peppers including most of the pepper plants entirely.

Prosecutor:  And how did you feel after you found your tomatoes and peppers had been decimated.

I was pissed

Prosecutor: I am sure you were Mr. Christiansen, “pissed” enough to commit murder?

I did not, could not, and would not have committed this crime. 

I have made my mistakes.

I am not a crook.

Prosecutor:  Okay Mr. Christiansen what did you do then?

My wife and I went to Home Depot to buy some Deer and Rabbit Repellent spray.

Prosecutor:  And didn’t your route home take you on the same road as the incident in question at about the time the crime was committed?

Maybe

Prosecutor:  Do you recognize this animal, this dead animal?

No, he is not dead, he is resting.

Prosecutor:  He is dead!  And isn’t it true Mr. Christiansen that your vehicle suffered front end damage that evening?

I…did not have…vehicular relations…with that animal!

These allegations are totally false!

Prosecutor: Mr. Christiansen I would like to propose that on said evening after finding your tomatoes and peppers missing that you were very angry… “Pissed,” to use your word.

And in that rage of anger you carried out this dastardly crime murdering this helpless animal.  An animal you previously referred to as “The Enemy.”

Isn’t that what happened Mr. Christiansen?

Okay, okay!

Of all the vegetable gardens in the world, she had to walk into mine.

You got me, yeah I did it, see….

Those dirty rats!

They got my vegetables and I got one of them.

And I would do it again see…those dirty rats!

Prosecutor: Your Honor the prosecution rests.

 

Yeah, I suppose it could have happened like that.

Footnote:

On Tuesday evening we drove to the Home Depot where we purchased a gallon of Deer and Rabbit Repellent spray because we thought deer had wiped out a good portion of our garden.  On the way home a deer jumped out in front my vehicle and I hit it.

I am not without remorse for plagiarizing, misquoting, referring to tomatoes and peppers as vegetables, or killing this animal; but not only did deer rob us of most of our tomatoes and peppers and pepper plants, the one I hit cost me my $250 deductible!

Needless to say, I am “pissed.”