A Void
I hadn’t planned on writing anything today.
In fact, I was hoping to avoid it.
Of course the first thing that pops up in the morning, not that I needed it, was the reminder from Facebook.
Then the nice back and forth texts from the siblings “Thinking of all of you today” and the phone calls, “how are you doing today?”
Kim still describes her grief after Donny as like having a bowling ball shot through the chest.
There’s a hole there now, a big one.
The size of bowling ball.
A void.
But life doesn’t stop does it?
And that may seem cruel sometimes.
There is no “Hey, wait a minute, I’m grieving here! Before you just move on and forget, let’s think about how I am feeling!”
Nah, there’s none of that.
Because life needs to go on, right?
There are others that need to experience their sadness, and maybe I need to experience more.
There are others that need to experience their joys, and maybe I need to realize some of my joys too.
But life doesn’t wait for us to say “okay, I’m ready now, you can proceed, let’s get on with it, I got this.”
So I guess the reality is, as much as I might try to…
I can’t avoid the void.
But in my sadness and still disbelief, and in spite of the void, I can’t forget what is really important. I can’t forget all those happy times, the words of encouragement, the support, and maybe most important thing, his example.
I can’t complain, nope I can’t dwell on the negative.
Because as I have said before, he wouldn’t want that.
So Happy Birthday to my “Cancer Brother.”
Happy Birthday, Carl.
And like your shirt says, you were very brave.
Brave and so, so much more.
And that is why today, instead of trying to avoid it, I need to celebrate.
So, you would be very proud to know, that for us to celebrate, I spent more than five bucks on the bottle of wine I plan to open later.
And, I may even drink mine out of a jelly glass.
Postscript:
Void, a noun*
- An opening, a gap, and empty space
- A feeling of want or hollowness
- The quality of being without something
Or maybe…someone.
*Merriam-Webster.com